"where's the SOUTH DAKOTA chicken, bitch?!"

Tennessee, check. Ohio, check. Mississippi, check. Who knew so many people wanted to imitate KFC?

Apparently, there's at least 106 of them. And one person who's studying those 106. (Go UK!)

Of course, some of them just aren't trying very hard.

(As an aside, a friend of mine calls those KFC-Taco Bell-Pizza Hut triages you see by the side of the road "Kentaco Hut." And yes, I used the word "triage" intentionally. And yes, I am aware that the definition is "a process for sorting injured people into groups based on their need for or likely benefit from immediate medical treatment." But, y'know what? I feel it's somehow appropriate for a Kentaco Hut.)

"Trade him to the Yankees and save me the trouble of having to shoot him."

I gotta run to New York for New Year's soon. And by run, I mean: get off my butt, shower, shave and pack, then hop in a car. But I can't leave my faithful readers dangling. (It would be helpful if I had faithful readers. Ungrateful bludgers.)

Speaking of New York, current news is that Randy Johnson is being traded to the Yankees. If you don't know who Randy Johnson is, read this. If you do know who Randy Johnson is, read this. If you just want to have a laugh at the Yankees and Randy Johnson's expense, read this.

It's the End of the World as We Know It...

I was flipping through the channels today during halftime of the Continental Tire Bowl (BC-North Carolina) and found... the Ashlee Simpson Show on MTV. If anyone's in New York, could you please do something about this? I hear MTV corporate headquarters are in the city.

And while you're there, you wanna say hello to these people?

The D'ohs

Slate ponders what we should call this decade - since it'll be half over in a few days. Some of the suggestions include - the "ohs", the "aughts", the "naughty aughties" (good grief) and the "double ohs." I have a suggestion. Let's take the "double ohs," and shorten it.

This decade shall henceforth be known as ... the D'ohs. Named after a true American Hero.

Sold Out?!

Biz Markie - yes, the Biz Markie (wait, is there another Biz Markie?) - has graciously provided his own likeness for an alarm clock. You can now wake up to all of your favorite Biz Markie sayings like "turn the party out" and "you caught the vapors." Hit it. "Youuu. You got what I nee-eed. But you say he's just a friend. But you say he's just a friend. Oh baby you-uu."

*Cough, ahem*

On my first day of vacation, I folded my laundry. If you've ever walked into my bedroom, you know how momentous this occasion is. Where's my gold star? In a related story, I have way too much clothes.

Bah! Humbug!

Man, the Internet has been really lame recently. Something about this fat guy... in a red suit... and a beard. I dunno, I'm kind of perplexed. But I'm fighting back. With a VENGEANCE!

Don Diebel, who runs the website getgirls.com, claims that hand puppets (yes, hand puppets) will help guys "meet, attract and date tons of single women." The deal is, you find a cute girl at a club, put on the hand puppet, go up to her, and ask her to dance, using the hand puppet and a silly voice.

What happens? She'll "die laughing and think that you are so funny." Did I miss something? When did hand puppets become funny? I'm not a girl, but I would consider that pretty sketchy.

I wouldn't be caught dead trying something as stupid as that. Now... a life-size cardboard cutout of the governator? Comedy gold. "My friend, Arnold... he wants to dance with you, but... he's a little bit shy." And if it was a picture of him from his old Mr. Universe days? What girl could resist that?

(You have no idea how disappointed I am that no one is selling life-size cardboard cutouts of the governator online. Women would be crawling all over me. Damn Internet. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?! All I ask is for a life-size cardboard cutout of the governator. Is that too much to ask? *sniff* Is it getting a little dusty in here? I think I have something in my eye.)

In other news, American Express says that bookstores are the place to pick up singles in NYC. Could you somehow combine these two things? Could I try to pick up women in a bookstore with a hand puppet? Someone (not me) needs to test this.

Urge to Kill, Rising.

A recent Cornell University study found that 44 percent of Americans favored some restrictions on the civil liberties of Muslim Americans.

27 percent said that all Muslim Americans should be required to register their location with the federal government. 27%!!! You know who else has to register their locations with the government? SEXUAL OFFENDERS! Land of the free, my ass. Can we restrict the rights of that 27%? I'm serious. They don't deserve the right to vote if that's the way they feel.

I'm so $%#!@# angry about this.

Red States and Blue States?

Nope. Sorry. We live in a country of Red states, Blue states and Yellow states (and a few green counties).

Stupid British

BBC has come out with a list of the top 50 things everyone should try a bite of in their lifetime.

First of all... Mmm... surf and turf.

Second... I suppose I should forgive them because they're British. I mean, they have to eat fried pizza, and haggis (#48), and fried mars bars, and haggis (still #48), and black pudding, and haggis (it hasn't moved, it's still #48, right above caviar).

Wait... that's the Scottish. The British generally stick to "meat and two veg." Oh wait, thats the wrong link, lets try this. No, no. Thats still wrong. Ok, here you go. They also eat scotch eggs. Hmm... I suppose that's another Scottish delicacy. Well, in defense of the British, they do have bangers 'n mash and fish 'n chips. And surf 'n turf. Oh wait, that's us. USA! USA!

Anyway, they really missed out on a few things on this list. Like... Jell-O. How do you say no to Bill Cosby?

Then there's Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs. Though these could all be categorized under the umbrella group snack cakes.

Finally, there's the elusive and wily spam. Can I move to Spam Blvd? (Alas, no good links for wild spam. I may have to do something about that.)

Leave Your Headphones at Home

Overheard in New York. I don't really need to say anything about this. And there I just too many funny quotes for me to highlight any of them. So instead, I shall relate to you a story.

Once upon a time, my brother was looking for an apartment in New York. He was visiting a place, and it was summer time so the window was open. Through the open window, he hears someone yelling out of their car window "I AM THE GREATEST LATINO LOVER IN THE WORLD!" to someone in one of the neighboring apartment buildings.

"I'm Your Sketchy Uncle"

South Florida .com has a gallery of photographs of kids being scared of santa. I can't say I blame the kids really. Have you seen 7 and 9? Alas, the website captions beat me to my punch lines. But I'm not one to allow myself to get beaten easily. BAM, BAM, BAM. KO in the fourth round.

Ads in Space!

Jesus has come. And he is a billboard! Actually, it's part of a project called floating logos. Pictures are taken of those enormous roadside signs. Then the poles are photoshopped out. Check out the artist statement for a better explanation and you can click through the images.

One of my own personal favorites involves a pep boys sign that looks eerily like ET's spaceship. Maybe it has something to do with its spherical shape. Or maybe the pepboys really are from outer space. How else would you explain a picture like this? Well, I suppose you could explain it by saying that the creator is weird. Really weird. Yet also brilliant.

Zip Zap Rap

My posting's been a little spotty this week. It's the cold weather (I'm lazy). I mean, I've been busy at work (I'm lazy). Or rather, I haven't found much on the Internets to post about (really, I'm just lazy).

But, to make it up to you (I'm still lazy), here's an old link I found a while back (told you I was lazy). The 10 Worst Album Covers. Now with commentary. As an aside... there's a bar down the street from my apartment called Orleans. I don't think I can ever walk in there. I'll be constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for a naked, hairy man to tap me on the shoulder.

How You Remind Me of Someday

Oh, Nickelback. How do you suck? Let me count the ways. One, two, three, four, five... two-thousand one-hundred seven, two-thousand one-hundred eight...

Listen to the MP3. Trust me. Use headphones if you can. Identical. Right down to the lull in the middle of the song.

Not that this should be news to anyone, but pop music is pretty bad really. Unoriginal, mindless, derivative. It does have one thing going for it. Boobs, boobs and boobs. Ok, I guess thats three things (or six depending on your math).

(For the sake of everyone out there, I really hope that's the last time I link to Jessica and Ashlee Simpson and Meatloaf in the same paragraph.)

Do Not Attempt to Adjust Your Computer Monitor

Even the casual sports fan knows a little bit about ugly jerseys. I mean, can you really get any worse than these from DoG '99? (Purple, teal and yellow... on the same jersey?)

Well, this site has some of the best... *ahem* worst from the soccer... *ahem* football world. Pink, brown, yellow, vertical stripes, horizontal stripes, diagonal stripes, tiger stripes, checkers. Then you get something like this, which looks kind of like it came out of Prince Charles' closet, circa 1972.

So next time you complain about the Bengals' uniforms, know that the Brits are just as color blind.

My New Career: Boxing

Left-handers are better in hand-to-hand combat. Supposedly. Their evidence is that societies with a higher percentage of left-handed people tend to have more murders. Doesn't that just mean that lefties are more likely to be homicidal?

I suppose that would explain the two left-handed friends I had in high school. The guy who always carried a knife (sometimes many). And the guy who would routinely punch walls.

Being a 5'7", 150-pound lefty, my only question is: Did they normalize for size?

I'm going to go out and punch someone. Then run away.

Hint: Pop-ups Suck

A study was done on the most hated advertising techniques. I don't know why ad agencies and online websites haven't figured this out yet. Not only are pop-ups unlikely to get many hits (most of them won't even be seen with the new pop-up blockers), but often pop-up ads cause a negative reaction against the company doing the advertising and the website it was located on. (Do you hear me ESPN? HUH? DO YA?!) Same thing with ads that block content, move around, flash and play noise.

I have a dream... that one day this nation will rise up and eliminate the scourge of pop-up ads from our shores. Ok, so maybe its not slavery and racism, but I got to the meeting late and all the good causes were taken.

Sexual Healing

I'm not entirely sure why I bookmarked this article. I think just liked that they described the octopi as canoodling.

Red, White and Liberal

Alas, this post has nothing at all to do with Alan Colmes. Sorry, but I'm a big baseball fan. (I grew up in MA, how could I not be a big baseball fan?) So occasionally I'll post something about baseball. This happens to be one of those posts. I promise I'll have some more non-baseball related content later today.

Red Sox sign Matt Mantei for 1 year, 750k. White Sox sign Dustin Hermanson for 2 years, 5.5mil.

Right now, I wouldn't trust either of these guys as my closer. At least, not if I was planning on winning. In fact, I wouldn't particularly trust either of these guys as my main set-up man. Hermanson has a 4.31 career ERA. Last year, it was 4.53. His best year, it was 3.13... but that was in 1998. Mantei has a 3.86 ERA. Last year, it was 11.81 (*gulp*). His best year, it was 2.62, in 2003. But his arm is held on with silly putty.

You roll the dice with Mantei - if you lose, you're down 750k. If you win, you get a potentially dominant reliever - career .210 opponents average. You roll the dice with Hermanson - if you lose, you've got a mediocre reliever for 5.5 over 2. If you win, you've got a mediocre reliever for 5.5 over 2.

Frankly, Hermanson will give you the type of contribution you can find in the minors for 550k a year. But he's making 5 times that. Mantei is a gamble, but the potential benefit is so much higher.

These are the types of moves that make me love Theo Epstein. Low risk, high reward. Like Bellhorn last year. These are also the types of moves that supposed small-budget teams should try to make. Instead of throwing 5.5 million at a mediocre pitcher.

Bollocks is Bad, But Dog's Bollocks is Good?

Don't try this at home. If you're my roommate, PLEASE don't try this at home.

A Little Busy

Sorry guys... *pop* *pop* *pop* I'm a little *pop* ... distracted right now. *pop* *pop* Oohh... fresh sheet. *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* Umm... you might want to find something else to do. I could be here for hours. *pop* *pop*

Gallery of Regrettable Foods

Hoo-boy. This one is a doozy. It's like a freak show for food. Meatballs in pink sauce. Corned beef salad loaf. Meat wrapped in a meaty meat wrap (actually knackwurst rolled in beef). Tomato steaks in cream. Pastel-tinted hairy balls with salsa verde. Meat Jell-O. Beef porcupines.

Really, explore this site fully. It will be worth it. Just don't do it before a meal. Or after a meal. Or during a meal.

More you say? Multi-colored nausea inducer.

Then you get something like this. Or starchy pete (scary scary scary). And nothing says classy like pink and purple. Together. In a dining room.

Amazing, stunning, fabulous. Dare I say it... effervescent.

If start at the homepage, you can get to all of these pages. So much good stuff inside. Like a twinkie!

One more. Dave, the self-denying fish.

For the True Baseball Fan

Keith Woolner over at Baseball Prospectus rewrote Casey at the Bat. It's pretty hilarious, but you've gotta be well-versed in baseball lingo. The casual baseball fan will probably get a few of the jokes. Only a true die-hard will understand all of it. Anyway, hopefully it'll get a few chuckles out of you.

Coming soon... Corned Beef Salad Loaf. Don't touch that dial.

Do the Good People of Alabama Know This?

God hates shrimp. You laugh, but it's true. It clearly states it in the bible. First five books in fact. (Which is why us Jews can't eat shrimp either. Well, good Jews can't eat shrimp.)

Next they'll be telling me I can't eat bacon either.

Breaking News: Squirrels Decide The Election

A website modeled the presidential election using pumpkins. Uncannily accurate. Nader entered the race late. By the middle of the election, squirrels completely chewed off his face and he was quickly forgotten. Early on, Bush's ear was gnawed on by squirrels. This clearly foreshadowed the National Guard memos and the mysterious lump during the first debate. In the end, Bush was covered in white powder and was stepped on by a Fox News Cameraman. Kerry became fuzzy.

So it wasn't designed to model the election so much as it was designed to grow mold on pumpkins. But squirrels did gnaw Nader's face off.