Wanted: Tiny Clowns.

I decided the tiny clowns deserved their own post. Go here, and search for "tiny clowns". Or go here. I guess it was originally a Craigslist Phoenix posting.

"Resistance to fire is a plus."
"Ability to dodge potentially dangerous projectiles."
"Compensation: tips mostly."
"This is an internship job."

Oh, if only I was 3' 6".

Channeling Anita Ward

A 3,000-pound bell was stolen from a Buddhist temple in Tacoma, WA. The article also states that a 500-pound statue was stolen from the temple grounds last month.

On the one hand, you have an abbot, who's temple has been robbed of a 500-pound statue and a 3,000-pound bell (along with 12-foot tall frame) within a month. Maybe he should think about hiring some security. It wouldn't require much, just something that would notice a forklift. And a 3,000-pound, 12-foot high bell being moved.

On the other hand, you have the thieves. "I think the people who stole it wanted to make money." I wasn't aware that there was such black market demand for 3,000-pound bells. You'd think it would be pretty easy to find these people. "Tacoma police investigated the theft and made a report, but Toan said he does not have much hope they will find it." Hmm... no listings on EBay for 3,000-pound bell. Ok, I'm fresh out of ideas. But really... a 3,000 pound bell? The thieves couldn't find something better to steal with their forklift? Like... ATMs? Or... tiny clowns? Or maybe this explains it?

(In case you're wondering about the title. Anita Ward sang "Ring My Bell" in 1979. Don't feel bad if you didn't know that - I had to google it to get the singer's name.)

Trojan Man

An Oklahoma Senator is aiming to legalize cock fighting. Here's the catch - the roosters would wear boxing gloves. And have little vests with electronic sensors.

"It's like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords and the fencers wear vests. That's the same application that would be applied to the roosters."

Yeah, and no one watches fencing in the Olympics.

In 2002, state question 687 addressed this issue, making cockfighting illegal. "Cockfighting [had] been legal in the Sooner State since the 1960s when a judge ruled that fowl were not covered by animal cruelty laws because chickens are not animals."

Chickens aren't animals? Someone failed high school biology.

Shake Your Tail Feather

The Arizona Cardinals have redesigned their cardinal logo. I mean... look at those differences. "The outline is in black." "The new beak is gold, while the old one was yellow." "The eye has been described as mean." "We've taken tail feathers and given them speed, as well."

Hmmm.... where are the tail feathers exactly? Shouldn't they be on the tail... not the head? Has Nelly been informed?

Flaming Pile of...

I don't really have to finish that sentence, do I? Yup. 100 feet long. 30 feet wide. And 50 feet high. It's been burning for three months.

"No one is sure how the fire started, but a common theory is that heat from the decomposing manure deep inside the pile eventually ignited the manure."

Suddenly that steak I was thinking of eating for dinner sounds much less appetizing.

"You know, I don't think they have enough meats on sticks."

Ok, so I didn't find any more meats on sticks. (And for the amateur sleuths out there, be careful if you google "meat stick." I'm not kidding.) But I may have found the next best thing.

First, in honor of the super bowl, we have a salami football. This fine example of meat design is accompanied by a Green Bay Packer novelty cheese. Apparently, the salami football is quite the popular design as evidenced by this photo (#15). Right next to that salami football is a salami, shaped to look like a pig (#14). Hmm... now, thats not quite the same as the grilled cheese virgin mary. Or the Jesus fish stick, the Mother Theresa Cinnabun, the two Allah Eggplants or even the Potato Ganesha. Actually, it's nothing at all like them. All of the latter items "clearly show people that our god exists." While the salami pig clearly shows people that some people need better creative outlets than shaping salami.

But in the search for truth, I must go on. For of course, what goes with salami? Why... beer... of course. It even comes with its own zip-up sleeve. Why you'd want to keep your salami cold... or warm for that matter... is beyond me. This item is also quite popular. What further proof do you need than this? Both #2 and #3 in that picture are salamis shaped like beer bottles. In fact, if you look closely, the wrappers even have the PBR logo on them.

Another example of shaped meat is the heart-shaped meat design. And yes... that is a patent for a heart-shaped meat design taken out by Paul R. McHan, Jr. of Monticello, Arkansas. If you're not Paul R. McHan, Jr. of Monticello, Arkansas, don't even think about making heart-shaped meat until at least 2016.

(For the sake of all those concerned, let's just pray that this is the last time I need to google "something about mary meat stick.")

Fusion Cuisine

One of the hot trends in food and cooking is fusion. Mixing eastern cuisine with western cuisine. I'm sure you've heard or seen something about it. In Massachusetts (Wellesley, to be exact) there's a restaurant called Blue Ginger which is run by the chef Ming Tsai. (My parents love the place, but I have never been there. Alas.) Ming Tsai is famous for the food network show "East Meets West" (along with "Simply Ming") and this Sunday at 9pm, Ming will be the challenger on Iron Chef America.

Iron Chef America has actually done a fairly good job at knocking off the Japanese version. You don't get the ditzy-sounding Japanese Actresses, or the cultural idiosyncrasies of Japan, or the strange dubbing by Canadians (no joke, "pasta" is pronounced differently), but for the most part, it's well done. Alton Brown, Flay, Morimoto and Batali know their stuff and I'm big fans of all four of them. And having Morimoto around provides just enough of a Japanese touch (trout-flavored ice cream, with eyeball?) that original Iron Chef fans won't get homesick.

And it's much better than the Iron Chef USA they tried to make a few years back. It was based in Las Vegas. (Strike One.) It was produced by UPN. (Strike Two.) And it had William Shatner as the chairman. (Strikes 3-28.) Who rode in on a white horse. (We've gone way past just counting strikes.) You see what happens when you let me go on EBay unsupervised? I'm the guy who bought an authentic Scottish Tartan Tam from some guy in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan for my roommate. Screw parental controls, EBay needs some sort of stupidity blocker.

But back to fusion cuisine. Some people have taken this a wee bit too far. Ooohh... it's a hip a tropical flavored treat! And for your next cocktail party... kebobs!

Speaking of bad ideas.

Cleaning Out the Chamber Pot of my Mind

Hey, what do you want? I don't have indoor plumbing and outhouses are so... so... rural. Moving on.

In this poll, 49 percent of Americans think that Bush is a uniter... and 49 percent of Americans think that Bush is a divider. Now, wouldn't that by definition mean that Bush was a divider? People certainly seem to be divided on this issue. But in Bush's defense, he has united the obscenely wealthy... and the fundamentalist Christians... and the gun owners.

Then there's this article. The headline is "Lucky the Lucky Lottery Chicken Eaten by Fox." The punchline really just writes itself. I mean, I could go with the.... Lucky isn't so lucky anymore. Or I could point out that the owner used the lottery money to buy replacement windows and suggest that maybe he should've used the money on some fox repellant. Or I could just direct you to the Happy Lucky Chicken Farm or Lucky, the Smooth Fox Terrier.

Finally, Bunny Suicides. Now, I know there was a study that declared that ducks were the funniest animal. But with that site along with this one, how are rabbits not #1 right now?

Stuck in the Mud

From the Department of You-Can-Find-Anything-On-The-Internet comes... carstuck.com. "Where cars get stuck and you can watch."

There's a link on that site to Driving in High Heels. It sounds like porn... and its priced like porn ($50 a video?!)... but it doesn't seem to be porn. (Though I can't say I paid the $50 to find out.) How hard would it have been to throw in a cute tow tuck driver? Speaking of tow truck drivers, if anyone's going to be in Chattanooga Tennessee in the near future, check out the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum. It's acronym is ITRHFM.

mens sana in corpore sano

Chess boxing. It is exactly as it sounds. Here's a write-up of the world championship. As for me, let's just say I'm waiting for Ultimate Trivial Pursuit.

Oddly enough, apparently there's a movie named Ninja Checkmate, which is also known as The Mystery of Chess Boxing. And there's another movie named The Roving Heroes, which is also known as Buddhist Fist and Chess Boxing. And there's a single by DJ Surge with the track Chess Boxing (and Countdown).

My Brother is Famous!

For any of you that don't know this yet, my brother is an artist in Boston. He recently had his first show opening in an actual gallery (as opposed to our local public library or the Somerville public access television station).

Anyway, he got a nice write-up in the Globe today. My Grandma even got a quote in to the article. It's a full half-page of the Living Arts section, and there's a blurb on the front page of the section that links to it. If you can get your hands on a print copy of the paper, you can see a picture of him along with his works.

I highly recommend everyone reads it. Then, you can go to his website. Now! GO!

Why on This Night do We Lean to the Left, When on All Other Nights...

Leading off, Cheney says that the social security change is good for the poor. Now, I think most people agree that the social security system needs to be reworked. But this privatization thing sounds like a horrible idea. One of the Republicans' main arguments in support of it is that Joe America can invest his money better than the federal government. I have some serious doubts about this. One of the contributing factors to the Great Depression was that a large fraction of the population was investing (unintelligently as it turned out) in the stock market. When the stock market fell, thousands of people lost their savings. Republicans seem to think that the stock market is guaranteed income. No. On average, over a long period of time, given safe and intelligent invesments you will garner a higher interest with the stock market than, say, bonds. But what if the market goes down? What if one of your investments doesn't work out? You've just lost your retirement account. And for the poor (especially for the poor) who may not have any other savings, they're screwed.

Social security is designed to be a safety net. I want my safety net to be as secure as possible. 100% chance of living, even if I break a few bones. Not, 50% chance of death, but 50% chance of walking away unscratched.

Coming in at number two, Iraq has become a breeding ground for terrorists. Surprise! Oh, you're not surprised. Yeah, can't say I am either. This comes on the heels of the news that we're stopping our search for WMDs. *sigh* Well... that turned into a mess pretty quickly. I'm too frustrated to even put words down. HOW COULD THEY NOT SEE THIS COMING? I guarantee that there are more terrorists in the middle east right now than there were before the Iraq war. Guarantee. Is it just me, or does it seem like the administration has no clue how to actually fight a war against terrorism? Its like a dog chasing its tail.

Ok. And bringing up the rear, Bush now sees that words have consequences. Wait a minute. Did he play hooky through all of grade school in addition to sleeping through high school and drinking through college? I think I learned this in third grade. Actually, I know I learned this in third grade. I mean, can he really be this stupid? Is it possible? How do you vote for this guy? Even if you're a Republican and agree with his policies, how do you vote for a MORON?

Why do people in this country denigrate intelligence and reward outright stupidity? So many people seem proud that they're ignorant. I'm so friggin' angry.

Rule 1: Don't Spell

I don't listen to the radio much... in fact, I try to avoid it. But I occasionally get sick of the CDs in my car and feel the need to listen to something else. Anyway, being a rap/hip-hop fan, I find myself listening to Jam'n 94.5 (Boston's #1 station for the same five songs on infinite repeat.) It's crap. But I like to at least be up to date on the most recent songs and artists. Plus, they occasionally play Lil' John.

Recently, they've been playing a song (I don't know what it is... I'll let you know when I find out), and the chorus has the singer spelling the word kiss ("K-I-S-S me.") Isn't the songwriter pretty much admitting that s/he can't think of three more syllables? Is there a bigger cop-out than spelling in a song? I think CDs should come with the warning label "Gratuitous spelling inside. Listen at your own risk."

Also being played by Jam'n is Snoop's new song. Now, I like Snoop's older stuff, but he's gone way downhill. I've heard that song a number of times now... and I'm fairly certain there are no verses. It's just two choruses alternating. [Note: Apparently, it does have verses. News to me.]

Which brings me to my larger point. Pop music sucks. Nas could come out with an album that was 70 minutes of dogs barking, Snoop could come out with an album that was a 70-minute bong hit, P Diddy could produce an album that was a 70 minute recording of a garbage truck with a bass line and Jay-Z could produce an album that was a 70-minute conversation with a New York cab driver who can't speak English backed by a beat. And they'd ALL go multi-platinum. In fact, I think these albums may already exist.

Consumers are stupid. They don't care if the music is any good. Radio doesn't care if the music is any good. Labels push whatever artists they want to push and use name recognition. Hey, Eminem has a new album, it must be good. Snoop has a new album, it must be good. And then they use name recognition to push a new artist who's associated with an old artist. Even if the new artist has no talent (see 12, D).

I realize this is a rant, but I'm sick of the crap that becomes popular while good stuff gets no attention. So I'm offering up my services. If you want to find some new music, let me know and I'll recommend something. Unfortunately, I can only help you with Hip-Hop and Electronica, but hopefully that'll help most of you.

Another good resource is musicplasma. Enter an artist, see a diagram mapping that artist to other artists that are similar. Also, go to amazon and look-up an artist. For most CDs, amazon will provide brief samples of the songs. It also provides a "Customers who bought this title also bought:" section. It's somewhat biased towards popular stuff, but that can be worked around a little.

"This is Wiggum reporting a 318 - waking a police officer."

Most newspapers these days have a section with the recent police logs. I guess that's so that criminals and teenagers can see their deeds in the paper. At least, that's what I used it for in High School and College. But the Boston Herald's police logs section takes it one step further. I think these people are angling for a promotion. Here, one author wonders "Who hasn't wanted to drive off in the NStar truck?" Valid point, for sure, but you rarely see this type of commentary in the police logs. She also says that the suspect kicked the NStar guy in the "fusebox." I think we can probably guess what the "fusebox" is referring to. Gives new meaning the saying "I've got to check the fuses." Unfortunately, fusebox is not listed in Urban Dictionary, but fuseless is. And if you know what a radical monkey or donkey is, you're a better man than me.

In this police entry, another author drops the nugget "White Out, or so-called Liquid Paper, was invented by the mother of Monkees singer Mike Nesmith." First, wow. A Monkee and the Mother of White Out in the same family. That's cool. Second, how the hell did she find this out?

Also, since I'm already a snooty jerk, I'm thinking of adding Esquire to my name. Or maybe just Right Honorable Lord. I like the sound of that. Anyone know a Baroness?

You Said Butt. Heh heh heh.

Some joker in Washington renamed Bevis Lake to Butthead Lake. I love it. Where is this Butthead Lake? I want to go swimming. When I come out of the lake, I want someone to say "Dude, you've got Butthead all over you."

Butthead Lake has got to be the second-best lake name, with Lake Titicaca obviously being #1. Titicaca also happens to be where Cornholio (Beavis' alter-ego) was from. It's a small, small world.

You See That Off Button?

A Cleveland man is suing NBC's Fear Factor for airing an episode that included contestants eating dead rats. He is suing for $2.5 million.

There are so many things wrong with this. If you're watching Fear Factor, shouldn't you expect it to be disgusting? And did the previews ("Next on Fear Factor - eating dead rats.") not tip him off? Personally, I find Fear Factor too disgusting to watch and I question its place on TV. But I'm not planning on suing it. And $2.5 million is a little bit high for some vomit. What's the going rate for vomit these days... $50 at most? Supply and demand, man. No one's going to pay $2.5 mil for vomit.

And of course there's this line: "I am not at liberty to discuss the complaint unless it is a paid-interview situation." So... he wants more money, just to discuss the complaint. Hilarious. Dude, get a freakin' job!

Hmmm... Austin Aitken... is he related to Clay? If so, then someone needs to stop these Aitkens. Really. Before it's too late. Who's with me? [Editor's Note: (Ok, its just me. I don't have an editor. But it makes me sound important.) Clay's last name is spelled Aiken. I think. Whatever. Aiken, Aitken, Atkins. Same difference.]

Fight the Power!

There's something about yard gnomes that is inherently funny. This site promotes freeing yard gnomes from slavery. I'm split on this. On the one hand, I'm anti-slavery. On the other hand... I really want my own yard gnome to place on my lawn. Well, if I had a lawn to place him on. I'd put him right next to my flamingo.

Leave Your Mark

I had a friend in high school, a female friend. She really wanted me to teach her how to write her name in the snow. I never got around to it, unfortunately. But now, there's a website where you can. Go ahead. You know you want to.

“Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”

I don't think I need to say anything else. Just read the link.

Sanctity of Marriage Act

A New York writer is trying to find 10 unwed couples with kids and have them get married. The event is called Marry Your Baby Daddy Day. I have no problem with this. My issue is that the article says that 70% of black parents live out of wedlock. People think gays are destroying marriage? I think we have bigger problems.

Good Questions

I noticed today that my office building is flying the American flag at half mast. My guess is that this is for all those that died in the tsunami. But I realized I don't know if it's for all the people that died in the tsunami or just the Americans. What is the policy on flying flags at half mast? I thought it could only be flown at half mast for soldiers. Can it be flown at half mast for anyone? Do they have to be American?

What if my hamster dies, can I fly my flag at half mast then? (Assume for a second that I actually had a hamster at one point.) Or what about my house plant? If I forget to water one for a while, can I fly my flag at half mast? Or suppose I run over a squirrel on my way to work, does that count? What about the turkey sandwich I had for lunch, does that count?

Now, suppose my flag is the Jolly Roger. Can I only fly it at half mast when Johnny Depp dies?

Happy New Year. Again.

A Massachusetts couple has now had the first baby born at Sturdy Memorial Hospital two years in a row.

All I have to say to these people is "Rory?" You couldn't come up with a better name? The first result on Google when I type in "rory" is this. Ok, it could be worse. That guy is funny. They could've named her Scott Thompson. ***Warning - Website may cause you physical pain***

I Hate Politicians

There's a New York Times article discussing Bush's plans to reduce the deficit in half. (Requires free registration - blech.)

Among other questionable accounting practices - and questionable might be giving them the benefit of the doubt - the administration plans to measure progress against a predicted shortfall, which of course didn't actually come about.

On a completely unrelated note (I swear), my New Year's resolution is to lose 100 pounds this year. I'm basing that on my prediction that I'm actually a 600-pound silverback gorilla. My diet will consist of leaves, shoots, stems, stalks, vines, bark, fruits, berries and the occasional termite.

I am not including consumption of this or this in my calculations.

Ok, ok, I lied, I guess that did have something to do with the previous item. But, did you know that there is a meatnews.com? I'd make another joke, but I take my meat slaughter statistics seriously.

Divagating in a Winter Wonderland

A radical muslim cleric missed a court date because his toe nails were too long. His defense lawyer said, "He is unable to walk. He has been perambulating barefoot around the prison."

If you're going to use the word "perambulate," at least use it correctly. The sentence should read "He is unable to walk. He has been perambulating the prison barefoot." Perambulate means walking around or about, so the preposition (around) is unnecessary. Also, the "barefoot" should go at the end of the sentence. And if you think I'm being snotty, the defense lawyer used the word "perambulate." Also it took me five minutes to remember the word preposition. And even then I had to use Google to help me out. And yes, I am being snotty.

You'd think the prison could cut his toe nails though. I mean, the guy's missing an eye and both hands. I think he could use a little assistance. Also, apparently this guy is a nightclub security guard turned radical muslim cleric. That's a bit of a career change. I think, when he gets out of jail, he should buy a flower shop.

And finally. While trying to figure out the word "preposition" on Google, I found this. This site is very useful if you ever need to know how to clean your M240B Machine Gun. Though not that helpful if you're looking up basic grammar rules.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Everybody loves gingerbread. But I think this is going too far. Wow. I thought that was illegal in candyland. I guess I was wrong.

And if you're a LEGO fan, I suggest you not check this out. You might be scarred for life.

The guy who made the LEGO porn also has a site called toothpaste for dinner. This site has a bunch of hilarious drawings. Some of which are more tame. Some of my favorites:

Low-carb humor
Corporate humor
Teddy Roosevelt humor
Temp humor
Dog humor
Work humor
Komodo Dragon humor
Music humor

And now... something that has nothing to do with anything else. The ugliest cat in the world. (If you've seen Gremlins, you'll get the joke.)

Counting by Twos

So Wal-Mart is unwilling to sell certain CDs and movies because of questionable content (read: obscenity).

But, they have no issues with selling guns to people, including those with mental illness.

What first amendment? I thought the Bill of Rights started at two. (It still ends at two, right? Or has that changed also?)

Now I realize this isn't really a first amendment issue. But, Wal-Mart believes it is capable of screening potential buyers of lethal firearms. And does not believe it is capable of screening potential buyers of explicit lyrics.

(In Wal-Mart's defense, Google has no record of anyone killing a deer by throwing CDs at it. Nor do they even have record of an attempt. But I think I just found a use for all those AOL CDs.)