Neon Deion Dog

Deion Sanders, the once and future NFL player, is hocking a hot dog machine. Apparently the rollers are a "unique design." If unique means "present in every convenience store in America." The design creates great tasting food because the fat "drips away, leaving a juicy, but not greasy meal." Ohhh... so fat drips away, but those wonderful juices are immune to drippage. All this for only $50 plus $10 shipping.

Hot dogs are absurdly simple to cook and can be cooked in so many ways. If you have a microwave, you can use that. If you have a pot, some water and some heat, you can boil them. You can grill them. If you didn't have water, you could still throw them on a hot pan. In fact, most hot dogs come pre-cooked, so you could even eat them frozen. Consider it a hot dogsicle. Not that I've ever done that... *cough*.

Also, its virtually impossible to screw up a hot dog. It's not like steak that you could overcook and it would become tough. It's prechewed! As long as you don't turn them into charcoal, you're fine.

She May As Well Just Change Her Name to "Conservative Hack"

Michelle Malkin. Ugh. In this column, she manages to blame "cutting" - the generally teenage act of self injury - on both "EMO" music and Hollywood. Hey, I liked NIN and Marilyn Manson and Rage against the Machine as a kid - actually, I still do. But the only self injury I've ever performed is throwing myself at the ground at high speed in order to catch a small plastic disc.

If you want a better counter-argument check out this post and this one.

The scary thing is, Malkin isn't even the worst columnist on townhall.com. If you really want to feel sick, you should check out Doug Giles. Hitler was a product of gun control. Christians can't be liberal, and vice-versa. Pit bulls are strong and poodles are weak. (And if you really think that last one isn't chauvinistic - at the end he refers to all poodles as "Ms. Poodle.")

We're Number 2!

American school children aren't the only morons out there. Japanese school children had trouble locating North Korea, Iraq, even the good ole' US of A on a map. The nerve! Why it's right there on the map below... uh... that country ... the one where Celine Dion is from... you know, they have a lot of trees. And it's above... um... Margaritaville... or whatever it's called.

Japan... ha! They're real snooty for a country that's shaped like a boot. I'll take them seriously when they learn to drive on the right side of the road. U S A! U S A!

All's Well That Ends Well

Remember that flaming pile of ... manure? Well, it finally was extinguished. The owner blamed it on combustible grass clippings. Sure.

While you're checking out the article, click on the picture. Those aren't snow-capped mountains in the distance. Well, I guess they are. But they're not made out of rock. 2,000 tons of cow manure is a lot of crap.

Lockdown

There's been a rash of gigantic thefts recently. First, there was a 12-foot tall, 3,000 pound bell stolen from a Buddhist temple. Now, an 8-foot tall (but only 150 pound) boot was stolen from a Wyoming principal's yard.

The good news is that the boot is back in the safe custody of the owner. The bad news is that this trend is getting me a bit nervous. I think it's time for me to move my 7-foot tall flamingo in from the yard. I'm not quite sure where to store it - the best place seems to be my roommate's bed. He's a heavy sleeper, so I figure I would just move it in there at night when he's asleep. He wouldn't mind, would he?

Now Where Did I Put My Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

For all of you aspiring super villains out there. How to Destroy the Earth. It discusses 14 potential means to destroy the Earth along with other important information such as "take a camera." and "remember to capture the moment." The rest of that guy's site has some good information as well.

Of course, if you do become a super villain, I suggest you read this. It contains important advice, such as "I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X."

Somerville, Somerville, Somerville.

By now, you've all heard about the Gates. (Though, if you're like me, you don't actually care very much about it.) Some guy in Somerville (Yay Somerville!) decided to create his own version of the gates. Maybe it's just me (Ok, it's probably just me), but I'd rather see the Somerville gates than the real thing.

Those Wacky Brits

They've done it again.

I'll have to try this at my next BBQ. Who would want cheese on a burger? Just toss it onto the grill, wrapper and all. Official rules are here.

This reminds me of an old Mr. Wizard episode. He suspended a length of copper pipe by placing it in the center of a dollar bill and holding the ends. He then placed it over a bunson burner. The paper did not burn. Physics! It's magical!

(Link courtesy of the room 11 division of the H.M.F. "Just finished a final paper? Coming off two straight all-nighters? Stressed about your grades? Room 11.")

Danger: Exploding Pavement

Ummm... this is bad. "Last February, a Bridgeville, Del., resident discovered 32 corroded — but live — hand grenades while spreading crushed clamshells delivered to his property."

I love the URL though, "clammunition." Hoo-boy.

My Mullah Can Beat Up Your Mullah

Thomas Friedman has an article in the NY Times this week about the US helping fund restrictive regimes in the Middle East by refusing to do anything about our dependence on foreign oil. How much trouble has the US gotten itself into because we needed to "protect our interests" (read: protect our oil) in this region of the world? Now I realize we have other interests in this region (Israel, fighting the Soviets during the cold war in Egypt, Iran-Iraq, Afghanistan), but certainly oil has been a large factor. I mean, how much has the US concerned itself with Africa over the years? How much US money flows into Africa yearly? I don't know if we can remove our dependence on foreign oil within a generation, but I believe it is worth the attempt.

As further evidence supporting my point. These guys are our allies.

Special Valentine's Day Edition

Valentine's Day is only five days away. Time to go looking for my copy of Army of Darkness. If you happen to find yourself on a blind date or first date on Valentine's Day... well... you should've arranged to do it in Australia.

Staying with the romantic theme, if you're a guy, don't spend too much time thinking about this article. You might start feeling lightheaded and dizzy. Women, please don't get any ideas. Great headline though.

And, while I realize we're well past Thanksgiving, I just had to link to this article. I think all I have to say about that is, "Welcome to Whittier, Iowa."

"It's pronounced nucular Lisa. Nucular."

Great editorial in the NYT about nuclear proliferation. Here's a good quote: "America's nuclear creativity should be focused on convincing nations like Iran and North Korea that nuclear weapons will not enhance their own security."

Let's set up a hypothetical situation. Suppose we have a dictator - let's call him Kim Jong-Il - who is in charge of a country - let's call it North Korea. Now this country happens to be on the shit list - let's call it the Axis of Evil - of another country - let's call it the USA - and it's president - let's call him W. Ok, so this isn't so much hypothetical as it is true.

Anyway, the USA recently invaded another country, Iraq. The stated reasons for invading Iraq were it's WMD programs - which have since been all but proven nonexistant - and it's ties to terrorist organizations - which have also been found to be pretty shady. Recently, W and his advisors have started taking a different track. They've been focusing on the creation of an Iraqi democracy and how the removal of Iraq's dictator, Hussein, was important. Tyranny breeds terror, dontchaknow.

Now, let's return to Kim Jong-Il. Kim is worried about his country, but more importantly he's worried about his power. He knows America doesn't like him and would prefer to see him begging for spare change at the local 7-11. He knows America has invaded another country in the recent past, just to remove a dictator and set up a democracy. He knows his armed forces cannot compete with America. So what does he do?

He does what any self-respecting dictator would do. He goes out and builds himself a nuclear bomb. Can't say I'm surprised.

"that Asian prick gave me a giant Winnie the Pooh!"

Ok, that quote is from a guy in prison, but it has nothing to do with homosexual acts. I swear.

It's from a story of an Asian tattoo artist who was put in jail for tattooing profanities on his customers. You know how Asian characters have become the hot thing to get tattoos of? Well this guy took advantage of customers that didn't actually know the language. Instead of "strength" and "honor", he tattooed "small penis." Instead of "beautiful goddess", he tattooed "Insert General Tso's Chicken Here."

Now that he's in jail, he has continued tricking his customers - tattooing Black Panther symbols on white supremacists and fairies, unicorns and butterflies on dozens of other criminals.

"I think I’m helping my fellow man by labeling all the stupid people in the world. It’s not a crime, it’s a public service."

Of course this posting is coming from the guy who wore a Wok restaurant t-shirt but had no clue what the Chinese character on the back meant. "I think it's just gibberish," my friend told me.

Cookie Monster

I saw this article the other day, but this guy has a good take on it. So maybe the girls should know better than to knock on their neighbor's door at 10:30pm. But suing them over it? C'mon... they were trying to bake you cookies.

It reminds me a bit of my home town. Residents would call the cops to report suspicious (read: non-BMW, mercedes, jag, lexus) cars driving down their street, parking at their neighbors' houses, etc. The police reports were hilarious. Check out January 16th - suspicious vehicle... suspicious noises. You'd think the FBI was trying to bug their house. Oh... wait.

In other news, posting is going to be a little light for the next few weeks. I have a new job, so I don't have quite as much time to crap around on the Internet. Also, my desktop chose this week to die on me. Personally, I think the cat has been chewing the wires. But since I haven't smelled any charred cat hair in my room - it's just conjecture at this point. My new laptop is due to arrive on the 24th though.

"He's always been able to come up with a novel approach to nudity"

The owner of the world's only drive-thru stip club tried auctioning the place on eBay. Unfortunately, eBay dropped the club from its listing. The AP article says that for $10, a driver gets a guaranteed one minute ($20 for more than one person). The Pittsburgh Channel article says the driver gets 10 minutes. I'm assuming that 10 minutes is the correct figure.

I'm certain I can convince some ultimate frisbee team to go there in one of those 15-person vans. Or rugby team. Or baseball team. Or...

Bunny's All Grown Up

Tara Reid is single and wants a boyfriend. She went on TV recently and said, "I want a nice guy, a nice, funny, good sense of humor, cute, obviously, you know, just a good guy." She urged the single, male viewers to send in 60-second audition tapes.

There was just one problem with her plan. She said this on the Ellen Degeneres Show. How many single men do you know that watch the Ellen Degeneres Show? Yeah, I thought so. I wonder what Flea's doing these days. "Are these the Nazis, Walter?" "No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of."

They Love to See You Smile

McDonald's new ad campaign is.... questionable. Is it just me, or does anyone else want to see this same ad used for Hardee's Monster Thickburger. That would be the best ad campaign since Ballpark franks decided "Girthy" was the most proper adjective for their hot dogs. [Note: Movies of ballpark's girthy ads have been removed from their site. Along with the "Girthy" shirts. I really wanted one of those shirts. I would've worn it proudly at work. Well... at my old job. After I gave them my two weeks notice.]

Useless and Cool

An M&M sorter. Yup, those little candy-coated chocolate treats. Also works on skittles.

Weekly Politics

It's that time of the week again... yup, Tuesday! Also, my political links have started piling up again, so I'm going to unload some of them on you.

I'll admit it. I drank the Kool-Aid. Or at least sipped it. I saw the positive election coverage, and bought into it. I think I was mistaken. For all of you that thought these Iraqi elections were equivalent to Bush's "Mission Accomplished" speech... well, you're right. But not in the way the Republicans would like you to believe. This article indicates that the Sunni's (20% of the Iraqi population) didn't seem too enthused by this whole election thing. To put 20% into perspective - that's a lot. Apparently that's equivalent to the number of US citizens that own a passport. Or the number of US citizens of Irish descent. Or the combined populations of California and Texas. I could make some comment about leading a horse to water, but not forcing it to drink... but I don't think I'd drink that water either. Yeah, they got elections. But they're still a far way off from Democracy.

Moving away from Iraq, we turn now to the Geneva Convention. In the LA Times, there's an Op-Ed piece arguing that the Geneva Conventions need to be rewritten to deal with terrorist groups and pseudo-states. The basic argument is that prior to 9/11, terrorists were dealt with as criminals - innocent till proven guilty, trial by jury, proof, evidence, etc. After 9/11, people wanted to deal with terrorist groups as an enemy of war, which falls under the dictates of the Geneva Convention. What is now happening is that people realize that terrorists don't quite fall into either group. They aren't common criminals, but they are not a nation with which we are at war - hence, the Geneva Convention would not apply. I tend to agree with them there. I think we need to find some middle ground. The problem I have is, HOW DID THAT MIDDLE GROUND BECOME TORTURE?

Next up, American students are morons. "36% believe newspapers should get 'government approval' of stories before publishing." Can we send them to Iran? Or North Korea?

Finally, January 15th was Martin Luther King's Birthday. February is Black History Month. In the middle, Bush tried to sell his social security plan to the black community. From that article, I gathered the following information. "On average, black males die six years sooner than white males," "The average age of death for blacks is earlier than for whites because homicide, poverty, and a lack of health care kills many black men at a young age," "The Census Bureau says 11 percent of whites do not have health insurance, compared with 20 percent of blacks," "Whites have a significantly higher average monthly retirement benefit than blacks because they had higher wages." Oh man. That's a lot of problems. But Bush's social security plan is going to solve all of that. Yes indeed. Designed for the black community. No more troubles.